she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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