On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
