I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Drake has all the answers
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
