I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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