yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
