Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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