im six kinds of drunk right now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
