CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
