My liver just broke up with me...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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