Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
