it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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