I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
