my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
