i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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