Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
