Whod you bang
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
