I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
