apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
