You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
