I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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