weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
