saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I want a musical about memes.
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