Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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