Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
