my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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