dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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