My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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