Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
