I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
