Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
