he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
