We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
