Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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