first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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