I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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