On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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