I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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