Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Randomize
