I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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