Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
