Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
