She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
