i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
