what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
