6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
