I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
