My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Let's get the cat blown out
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
