We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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