He had one of those small greek statue penises
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
