She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
