Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
